The Tooth Pick has been used since the time man first stood erect and as humans have evolved so too has the tooth pick. This simple dental implement, once fashioned of wood, bone and even bronze, is now made with a variety of materials from hard woods like oak or bamboo to plastics, rubber and paper.
Yet even with our advances in technology which can create the perfect pick, how we use them and what constitutes a tooth pick and what is not, is still debated. Tooth pick aficionados and etiquette mavens often debate the proper methods of picking” and even the very practice of the art itself.
For now we will focus on the basics.
Do:
Use a wooden tooth pick – There are few things in life as satisfying as extracting the little bits of charred animal flesh from between your teeth after a bar-b-que. Some people, probably vegan-environmental dentists, would say that using a sliver of dead tree is a terrible way to get rid of food particles, but we say, Nay-Nay.
To begin with, having left over meat hanging from your choppers is disgusting. If you want left overs get a doggie bag.
No one, especially your wife, girlfriend, mother or that hot chick you noticed and think is checking you out, (she’s not by the way, you wish), wants to see the horror that is your smile when it’s full of shredded carcass. So it just makes sense to use a tooth pick, right? I mean why else would they put them by the register?
Now there are different rules of etiquette for tooth pick usage. In some countries it is acceptable to use the tooth pick while still at the table. However the proper way to perform this function is via the two handed method. One hand manages the wooden tool while the other hand acts as a cover, blocking the view of others from having to see you dig around the molars.
Some areas of the world frown upon tooth pick use but there’s no reason to visit those places. Consumers of food through the mouth have come up with many different methods from the open display to the “I dropped my fork under the table” or the hands free – tongue control. These people have perfected the skill and are usually the ones that have a tooth pick eternally in their mouths and can tie a cherry stem into a knot with their tongue. (Girls take note)
Still others believe they don’t need a tooth pick and feel they can simple “suck” the food from their dental prongs. You can hear them for miles as the lap their tongues over the teeth, smacking their lips and inhaling all the air in the room by the force of their sucking.
These people are known as - disgusting. There is no sensible reason to sound like a baby vacuum cleaner when there are perfectly good wooden tooth picks around.
For the most part, in America, people tend to wait until they have left the eating area before they begin the extrication process. Either way the end result is the same; a meat and veggie free mouth.
Using a Knife – In the days of yore when men would hunt for their food, the most utilized tool in their arsenal was the knife. A good sharp knife with a well defined tip could be used to kill the beast, slice it up for eating and then after the meal as a device for removing food bits that have out lived their purpose or are devoid of flavor. Otherwise you’d still keep them around.
But knives are not to be used as tooth picks casually. These are implements of destruction and should be handled with care and respect. Many a Neanderthal had unwittingly gone after a precariously lodged hunk of roasted wilder beast only to go in too far or acted too quickly. This may have been the first case of a head on a spike which only sounds funny but is fact - not.
Although not necessarily a recommended implement, if you must use a knife then the key to proper extraction without execution is to carefully – and we mean carefully; place the very tip of the blade in between the teeth and gently wiggle it to dislodge the offending food. DO NOT, under any circumstances, shove, push, thrust, jab, scrape or pummel the aforementioned shank into your wind tunnel.
If you’re going to be that stupid we’re just going to have to take it away from you. You can have it back after you’ve attended the proper classes.
Edge of a Card, Matchbook or Folded Paper – If you are out and about and discover that there is something stuck in your teeth but don’t have a proper tooth pick (and your knife was taken away from you for misuse), the easiest remedy is a folded piece of paper. Paper is everywhere and easily manipulated to form the correct shape for particle removal.
The trick here is to make sure you use a piece of paper that is stiff enough to withstand your gouging and poking but is flexible enough to be able to be folded over so as to create the proper point of insertion. Napkins won’t cut it because they don’t have the strength to be rigid and once your saliva is absorbed it becomes useless. In order for a napkin to sustain itself under these adverse conditions you have to fold it over so many times that the edge you need to pick with becomes too fat and won’t fit into the space between your teeth.
A business card is perfect. The flat card’s corners can be use straight away and once all four points have been covered in victuals, you can fold it several times for further extraction. Of course if you are at a lunch meeting with business associates and they’ve just given you their card it is NOT recommended that you use it to pick your teeth. Unless, of course, you have no intentions of doing business with these hand-jobs in which case feel free and fuck ‘em.
Matchbooks were once prevalent in restaurants when smoking was a more acceptable habit and you could actually light up “inside” your favorite eatery. (Big surprise huh kids?). These days it’s absolutely verboten to smoke anywhere near most eating places and with the advent of cheap lighters the lowly matchbook has become a rare sight.
The nice thing about the matchbook was its versatility as a dental cleaning device. The book cover itself is usually made of stiffer paper or cardboard which have nice points and can be simply folded to allow for more picking action. The matches themselves have some use although they tended to be less rigid than the cover, using a more porous paper that becomes soggy almost before it can do any kind of decent work.
Plastic Picks – For true tooth pick coinsures only a finely crafted wooden pick will suffice but plastic dental sticks have become a favorable item to use as well. The popularity of the plastic pick reached it’s zenith when the Swiss, those “I’m not getting into anybody else’s shit but I’ll hold onto your money” guys came up with the brilliant idea of putting a plastic tooth pick in their infamous Swiss Army Knife.
Now the idea of a pocket knife contraption that has a blade, mini-saw, cork screw, a file and scissors (scissors for god’s sake) was made even more valuable by the addition of a pair of tweezers and the highly regarded plastic tooth pick. The geniuses behind the invention of the coo-coo clock, the hot cocoa drink and a banking system that allows anyone (and I mean anyone) to deposit money – no questions asked, decided that what their soldiers needed when they were out in the battle field was clean teeth.
But as surreal as the idea of proper dental hygiene during wartime may be, the inclusion of this re-useable oral tool was an instant hit with both the military and civilians who wished to feel well armed in their battle against plaque and cavities. Nowadays you can find all kinds of plastic picks in the market. They come in packs, bags or boxes, with floss attached or without, different colors, various flavors and shapes. You can buy plastic tooth picks that have little bristles on one end, picks tipped in rubber and plastic picks monogrammed with your business name or to commemorate a special occasion; like your wedding or a bris.
Some plastic tooth picks are meant to be cleaned off and re-used like the Swiss Army pick while others are completely disposable. Of course if the end result from your tooth pick use is to throw the item away we suggest utilizing more recyclable or biodegradable picks like wood or paper. And if you do have one of those Swiss knives with the pick stealthily hidden on the side, then for the love of god wash it off before you stick it back in its holder. Not only will you prevent the formation of bad bacteria which can be transferred back into your mouth and gums, but it can help it last longer.
DON’T:
Although there are many different things that can be used as a tooth pick there are even more that should never be considered. Many a troglodyte have fallen from the Darwinian march to survival by trying to pick their teeth with items that anyone with half a brain stem would look at and just say no.
Fork You - One of the most common objects that are inappropriately used as a tooth pick is your fork. As easy as it may seem to simply take the utensil you just used to polish off that coronary inducing 24 oz. steak (Mmmm steak), trying to pick your choppers with a fork is just plain wrong.
To begin with common sense tells us that most forks are not going to have the proper point thickness to dental space ratio that will allow for expert cleaning. Those mathematics not withstanding, putting the last piece of beef in your pie hole and then casually digging and smacking your fork around the gums is just repulsive. You’re never going to get a second date by using this technique. Forks are for food (or fighting – see Self Defense); leave it on the table.
Paper Clip – Paper clips are a great invention. They hold papers together, can used to pick a lock or clean your finger nails. Metal paper clips are NOT good for cleaning teeth. Metal and teeth never go together because of the electrical charge that is created. Otherwise we’d all be chewing the gum wrapper or bits of aluminum foil and we know how bad an idea that is, right? Right?
Once again the proportion of clip point size in relation to the gum space doesn’t really make for good picking. At best you’ll get a scrape but that’s not especially satisfying. Some people claim that plastic paper clips are fine and although they are definitely better than the metal kind many so called plastic clips are just wires coated with plastic or rubber. Once that wears down it can be painful. Clips made entirely of plastic are fair but you usually have to break them apart in order to get a sharp enough edge to do the job.
Finger Nails – There are some guys out there that grow their nail rather long. To each their own I say as long as you’re not painting them or putting on little decals, then I guess there can be a place for that. Some construction types keep their nails a little longer to scrape stuff and still other dudes leave just the little pinky finger nail long. This was once popular in the 80’s when cocaine was all the rage and you used it as a coke spoon. But I digress.
Your finger nails are meant for many things like scraping off labels, twisting in little screws, raking across blackboards (if there blackboards anymore) and of course for scratching your ass and nether regions. They’re good for that, in fact they’re GREAT, but not for picking your teeth. Your nails have a curve to them making it difficult to wiggle them into position and unless you are filing them to a point (deadly yes, but they look weird - See Self Defense), its just not going to do the trick.
Credit Cards – Paper cards, as we discussed are well suited for teeth cleaning but your credit card should never be used for this. Aside from its inability to fold it has no sharp corner for which to pick with and there isn’t a waiter in the world that is going to accept your card after its been digging out pieces of the “All you can eat Rib Night”.
Pay for the meal and go grab a proper wooden tooth pick. Or ask the waiter, he will be happy to go get you one.
Tire Irons – Really? Tire irons? What are you, the Hulk? You can’t use a tire iron to pick your teeth ok? You just can’t and we’ll leave it at that. Jeez are you really that stupid?
Meat Hooks – See Tire Irons.
Other Peoples Finger Nails – Ok now you’re just being gross and perverted. Do you even know where those fingers have been? No I don’t want to know. Just post it on You Tube, I’ll look at it later.
Hand Grenades – Oh for crying out loud now you’re not even trying to be sane. What moron thinks this is a good way to get rid of unwanted food specks? Sure you’ll be rid of the stuff between your teeth, in fact all of your teeth, your jaw and most likely the whole head. This is not even remotely a good idea and it has nothing to do with your 2nd Amendment rights.
And by the way, for any of you amateur plumbers out there; using dynamite to clear sewer pipes is plain wrong as well. Funny as hell, but no its wrong, definitely wrong.
More Food – More food? Jesus Christ have any of you guys even been reading this article? Sure why not, go stuff your face.
