Mother-in-law – judging, criticizing, commenting, suggesting.  Listen, don’t worry about how I do things, just buy the kids some gifts for Christmas and their birthdays and stay out of the TV room when any sporting event is on.  Even Olympic qualifying swimming.  Just stay away.  I was never good enough, I don’t make enough money, I’m not smart enough, and I’m a bad dad.  Life sucks for you, that’s why you were cursed with me.  My first beer anywhere I am when I start drinking, is always dedicated to you.

When your English is so bad that my English is useless – Look, we all come from immigrants and I love the diversity of our country and that is what makes us the greatest country in the world.  But when I walk into your liquor store to buy a pack of cigs or gum or a fifth of the cheap stuff, don’t make the verbal exchange a challenge for me.  Figure out what I’m trying to say.

Half-Caff vente latte with whip cream and soy milk – WTF???  Just order a coffee. When I go into corporate coffee to get my daily dose of black crap, I always get stuck behind “half-caff” guy.  He has a very specific coffee drink that I don’t even think has coffee in it, and takes him 10 minutes to order and

Al Qaeda – Whenever I hear another story about these idiots, it simply ruins my day.  These guys amount to nothing more than backwards, undersexed, ignorant sheep who follow a slightly less undersexed, ignorant leader to restore their once mighty kingdom and stop the West.  Let me drop a bomb right now.... 

Old Lady Drivers – Let me set the scene.  You just made a right turn on a main drag and there is a fair amount of traffic.  But you’re behind Mrs. O.L.D.  (old lady driver).  She’s driving a Buick, she’s got the granny glasses, church hat and no feeling in her right foot